Borderline Personality Disorder and Having a Favorite Person

Borderline Personality Disorder and Having a Favorite Person

The infamous favorite person... the person that someone with borderline personality disorder filters their world view around... the source of comfort... the everything. Take one glance across BPD forums and you will find countless posts devoted to the favorite person, also known as the 'FP.'

Your favorite person could be anyone... a relative, parent, best friend, lover, etc. It could even be someone that you just met.

The difference between having a "best friend" and a "favorite person," especially for someone with borderline personality disorder, is the intensity and obsessive thoughts that surround the favorite person.

Borderline Personality Disorder Traits (With Footnotes for Loved Ones)

Borderline Personality Disorder Traits (With Footnotes for Loved Ones)

Understanding borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms isn’t as easy as cracking open the newest DSM and saying, “Oh yes…pervasive thoughts and abandonment issues…mhm…I have those…sounds right to me.”

In fact, most people in general can look at the symptoms of borderline personality disorder and see themselves fitting most of the criteria. In order to combat this, I’m breaking down the symptoms of BPD a step further and putting them into layman’s terms so as to better equip people who either think they may have BPD or have a loved one they suspect may have it.

100 Quick Ways to Self Care

Some days, I have a hard time getting out of bed. My mood swings generally only last a few days, or a few hours at best, but in those moments, I struggle to stick to a routine. It feels like I can't breathe. I know that if I stay in bed, I'll marinate in this terrible feeling, but if I force myself to do something, I can overexert too easily. For those days, here are 100 five minute self-care practices that help. 

100 five minute self-care ideas:

  • Drink a glass of water.
  • Brew a glass of tea.
  • Order delivery.(Pho noodles and soup is my fav!)
  • Re-read your favorite book.
  • Clip your nails. (An alternative to the dangerous “cut your own hair.”)
  • Paint your nails.
  • Put your phone on ‘do not disturb’ and put it away.
  • Warm bath with a bath bomb and a book.
  • Blend some fruit with ice. Add a splash of lime. (Healthy slushie!).
  • Give yourself an Oracle Card reading
  • Pin pretty things on Pinterest.
  • Take a nap.
  • Brush your teeth.
  • Brush your hair. (especially if it’s been a day or two)
  • Meditate with some guidance.
  • Take some photos. (No one has to see them, if you don't want to share.)
  • Note where there is pressure in your body and breathe deeply to those areas.
  • Do some yoga from your bed.
  • Wear something that makes you feel good (or wear nothing at all!)
  • Flip through the Book of Tiny Pleasures.
  • Whatever is nagging you, let yourself know that it can wait half or a full hour, while you recharge.
  • Light a candle
  • Order yourself some flowers and chocolates.
  • Snuggle a pet.
  • Say 10 nice things about yourself, ignoring any negatives that come up.
  • Write or type a short story.
  • Watch something funny
  • Watch something new. 
  • Look at funny memes on iFunny.
  • Binge watch cartoons from your childhood.
  • Hire a housekeeper to pick up. (Look for people who are just starting out- they charge less.)
  • Change the sheets and bedding.
  • Arm knit a chunky blanket
  • Play with stickers.
  • Declutter the bedroom.
  • Rearrange furniture (make sure you’re able to physically do it without injury).
  • Make a blanket fort and lay inside.
  • Eat cake for breakfast. (One slice! Not the whole cake…)
  • Make a playlist of happy music.
  • Get your groceries delivered.
  • Say, “Fuck it,” and let go of anything that doesn’t serve your attention right now.
  • Put on a music video and dance along- in your underwear. (make sure your blinds are closed.)
  • Watch funny cat videos on YouTube.
  • Look at pictures of cute things.
  • Saying “No” to any new demands.
  • Pay a debt payment early. (This feels surprisingly great.)
  • Put old clothes in a box to donate.
  • Pin different recipes that you want to try (or order out, if you don’t enjoy cooking).
  • Make a list of 10 things you want to do before the year is over (or if the year is almost over, 10 things you want to do next year).
  • Listen to a funny podcast.
  • Ugly cry.
  • Book a therapy session for the future.
  • Pin motivational and inspirational quotes.
  • Read motivational and inspirational quotes you previously pinned.
  • Make a happy box of e-mails, cards, or letters that made you smile.
  • Make a list of the top 5 most demanding things you need to do, fold it up, put it aside, and come back to it later. Let it completely leave your mind for now.
  • Get a tarot reading.
  • Do a chore that would take less than 5 minutes.
  • Read fiction.
  • Brain dump everything in your mind right now on a piece of paper and tuck it away.
  • Set up a manicure/pedicure appointment for later.
  • Sing in the shower.
  • Wash your hair. Shampoo twice. Let the conditioner sit.
  • Grab your calendar and circle 4 dates where you will devote at least an hour to yourself.
  • Got bubble wrap? Pop them.
  • Cuddle a stuffed animal.
  • Read some feel good blogs (like this one).
  • Taking a random free class online.
  • Head over to YouTube and learn something random (like star origami).
  • Yell random profanities (make sure little kids aren’t around).
  • Take selfies with SnapChat filters (even if you don’t post them).
  • Start a blog (this is why I started blogging!)
  • Do some sudoku.
  • Or a crossword puzzle.
  • Play a single player game that takes minimal brain power.
  • Do some reflexology for anti-stress. (like these)
  • Cancel some subscriptions that you are no longer using.
  • Grab some kitchen supplies and make some play dough.
  • Find 10 things in your home that you’d like to sell or donate.
  • Eat a salad or drink a smoothie.
  • Color (either within the lines or outside the lines- up to you!)
  • Fold origami.
  • Dive into a pile of laundry.
  • Text an old friend.
  • Grab nontoxic markers and doodle on yourself.
  • Make a collage from old magazines.
  • Lay on your bed and prop your legs against the wall.
  • Stretch.
  • Roll yourself up with a blanket.
  • Write out your grocery list for the week.
  • Text something nice to a best friend.
  • Jump on your bed.
  • Start a mood tracker.
  • Window shop on Etsy by putting things in your shopping cart but don't press checkout.
  • Learn how to make money on Pinterest (for free!).
  • Forgive yourself.
  • Deactivate one of your social media accounts.
  • Create a Pinterest board of places you'd love to go.
  • Play a game of Skribbl online with people.
  • Join House of Misfits and get some peer support!

Written by Mayhem#0013 (Mayhem)

Getting Out of Bed When You're Depressed

When you're too depressed to get out of bed, it can make it difficult to get your day started. It feels like the weight of the world has immobilized you. Depression makes getting out of bed feel pointless. It's hard to enjoy mornings when it's hard to enjoy anything at all.

One of the few of the benefits of getting up early (around 5am... I know, that sounds intense!) is that you get up before the rest of the world does. You get moments of peace and quiet where you can do whatever you want. You get some you time. If you find yourself not having enough hours in the day, getting up earlier grants you more productivity hours where you can focus on doing things that make you happy. 

But, what if you have a hard time following get-out-of-bed-early routines because depression is always looming overhead? The advice that works for others to simply adjust their schedules, doesn't really apply to you. You're too depressed to get out of bed in the first place.

Tips for waking up early when you're too depressed to get out of bed

1. Find a mundane reason to get out of bed

One of my favorite things in the world is the taste of bacon. To start my morning off on the right foot, I normally have three slices of bacon and this is my "reward" for making it out of bed. Find something simple, a mundane reason, to get out of bed.

These reasons could be:

You want to reward yourself for being able to get out of bed, even on the days where depression is kicking you hard.

2. Don't get on your phone

It's tempting to check your e-mails or social media the first thing in the morning, but you know that you'll end up laying there, longer than you anticipated, scrolling through your feeds. Even worse, you might read something triggering or upsetting that sends you into a bad mood.

Instead of checking your phone first thing in the morning, opt for writing down what you dreamed on a notepad next to your bed. Maybe grab a book and read a few pages.

If you do want to check your social media, be sure that you've already brushed your teeth, combed your hair, and gotten ready for the day.

3. Get to bed, earlier

It's easier to wake up in the mornings, when you've gone to sleep at a decent hour. However, insomnia might make it difficult for you to fall asleep (which you should see a doctor about, since poor sleep is linked to depression). I try to aim for an 11pm bedtime and opt for melatonin (ask your doctor, before trying melatonin) when I'm having a bad time trying to fall asleep.

When trying to get to bed earlier, be sure to:

  • Turn off all blue screens (phone, laptop, tv.)
  • Cut off the caffeine after 5pm.
  • Get comfortable and close your eyes.

4. Put your phone on do not disturb

Turning off the alarms on your phone (except for the wake-up alarm) allows you to sleep without people waking you up at odd hours. This cuts off the temptation to just "check your phone once" and end up "replying only once." Before you know it, you've fallen down a rabbit hole of responding to all the messages you're getting, and browsing the internet while waiting for the next response.

This will also help you get to sleep earlier and prevent a text message from waking you up.

5. Forgive yourself when you can't manage to get out of bed

Waking up earlier and creating a healthier sleeping pattern isn't about being perfect. Even if you only manage to do it twice a week and then struggle the rest of the week, that's fine. You're trying.

Remember that this is not about being perfect and it's more about trying to sleep in a healthier manner, consistently. You'll eventually build a habit out of it, especially if you reward yourself, like from tip #1.

The miracle morning

One of the most realistic resources on waking up earlier, is The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. Hal Elrod's book outlines a step by step guide on how you can start waking up earlier. 

Adjusting your sleep could help you feel a little bit better, throughout the day. Give it a go!

Written by Mayhem#0013 (Mayhem)

Breathing Exercises

Method 1: abdominal breathing.

1. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth.

2. Put your hand on your belly and breathe deeply into your abdomen, feeling it push out your hand. This is simple belly breathing.

3. If you want a deeper practice, inhale through your nose to a count of 5, and then pause for a count of 2, feeling the stillness between breaths.

4. Exhale slowly through your mouth with a count of 7, allowing tension to release.
5. Repeat at least five times, or until you feel relaxed.

54321 Method.
(In some cases can help anxiety) 

Name five things you can see in the room with you.
Name four things you can touch and touch them.
Name three things you can hear right now.
Name two things you can smell or like the smell of.
Name one you can taste or like the taste of.

Breathe throughout this slowly imagining all the negative feelings being breathed in and then it being let out as you breathe out.

Huna breathing.
This process consists of inhaling, pausing, exhaling and pausing again. 
The ratio of each phase of the process should be 1:1:1:2.
This means that you inhale for a count of one, pause for a count of one, exhale for a count of one and then pause for a count of two before beginning the cycle again.

Visualisation breathing.

Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. 
Rest your hands on your lap or knees, depending on what is most comfortable for you.
 Align your head, neck and spine upright.
As you inhale,picture drawing any issues you have from the top of your head down to the base of your spine. 
On the exhalation, imagine these/this issue flowing down your body and out of the soles of your feet. 
Repeat for a few minutes.

Yoga breathing.

Stand up straight with your feet slightly apart, toes pointing forward. Relax your arms by your sides, palms open. Align your head and neck with your spine. Inhale deeply, focusing on drawing breath into your stomach. At the same time, raise your arms to your sides and over your head as you stand up on your toes. On the exhalation, lower your arms and lower your heels to the ground. Repeat several times.

4:4:4 Method with lowering the heart rate.
(Can be used mainly for anxiety or panic attacks)

Oxygenation and lowering heart rate is the goal of these two breathing exercises in unison.

4:4:4 method of breathing, inhale for 4 seconds through the nose, hold it for 4 seconds, exhale through the mouth for 4 seconds. Once you have done this for several minutes, use the following method to lower your heart rate.  Inhale, fill your lungs and hold it until you feel a tight feeling in your chest, then exhale as slowly as possible until your lungs are empty, and repeat.

Written by _LilacRose14_#6995 (Lily)

Self Harm Alternatives

Do you feel Angry, Frustrated, Anxious?

Violence is the key, as long as it is not directed at a living thing:
As an alternative to self-harm, you can rip up or punch a pillow, scream but be sure not to damage your vocals, jump up and down, or cut up some fabric or some other miscellaneous, irrelevant item. Break something that you won't regret breaking, like a piece of paper. Mark on or tear up a picture of something. Positivity can also be good. You could clean your room or house. Get some exercise! Dance, walk, jog, or run until you're tired then go take a shower to become sleepier. Play a sport or go swimming.


Do you feel Depressed, Down, Sad, generally Unhappy?

Wash your problems away with a soothing bath is another good alternative to self-injury. A slow, relaxing dip in a warm tub filled with bath oil or bubbles is a good idea. Pamper yourself. You'll be surprised by what it can do for your mood. When you get out, try massaging body lotion into your arms and legs, or the places you'd like to cut.
Relaxing is the best way to alleviate feelings of unhappiness. You can curl up in bed with a book and escape to an alternate reality or light some incense and just kick back listening to calming music. Call a friend and chat about nothing in particular. Eat yummy snacks and spend the evening watching TV or surfing the web.

Do you feel Unreal, Inhuman, Alone?

Hurt yourself in a relatively harmless way, like holding ice, or rubbing ice on the spot you would normally cut or burn. Chew up a hot pepper or rub liniment under your nose. Snap your wrist with a rubber band gently. Another good alternative to self-harm, take a cold bath. Jump around, stomping your feet on the ground. Focus on something, like breathing or your heart beat. Notice the way your body feels and moves.


Do you need Focus?

Working on something is a good way to focus your mental and physical energy. Do something on the computer, like playing Tetris writing a computer program, or creating a personal homepage. You can also pursue any other hobby you may have that is fulfilling and requires concentration.

Attentively eat a raisin, or any other snack. Weigh it in your hand, feel it, look at the little details of it, including the texture. Describe it to yourself. How does it feel? How does it smell? Is it sweet or sour maybe bitter? You could also choose any object in the room and examine it. Then write a detailed description of it, including size, weight, texture, shape, color, uses, feel, etc. Include all of your senses. Choose a random object and try to list 30 different uses for it.
Pick a subject and research it on the web. This can get your mind going and give you a new project to work on.


Do you need to see blood or scars? 

Draw on your wrist with a red felt-tip pen. Pour red food coloring over the area you want to cut. This self-injury alternative may be more effective if you warm it up first. Paint on yourself with red paint.
Tattoo yourself using henna. The henna goes on as a paste. After you've left it on overnight, you can pick it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind.
Paint your nails red instead.
Remember you are not weak for these thoughts. You can get through this.
Write on your wrist with a pen that is safe to put on skin, write the phrase “be kind to yourself” with a heart next to it if you would like. This will remind you next time you want to harm yourself that you are worth so much more than that.

Another note is if you like to hear crackling sounds almost like cracking your knuckles. Instead of this, see if you can get your hands on a fidget cube. On the side with a silver roller ball there is a few cogs when all brushed against at once make a crackling sound similar to knuckles. A soothe box can always be a good alternative to self harm.

Fidget cubes can also be beneficial distractions from self harm. It keeps your hands busy and your mind distracted. If you’d prefer a more portable option try a spinner ring.
 

Written by _LilacRose14_#6995 (Lily)

How to Make a Soothe Box

What is a soothe box?

A soothe box is a method that can help cope with feelings of sadness, self harm thoughts, distress, flashbacks, shaking, anger, and even anxiety. When you feel overwhelmingly distressed, you can go to this bag or box and find something that can distract you or help you to feel better, be reminded of those who love you and the things you love. 

Does it have to be a box?

Soothe boxes also known as crisis boxes or emergency boxes do not have to be in a box. You could use a bag, or even just a drawer in your room. A spare shelf or corner in your room, make sure this is out of the way so you don’t step on or lose anything you care about from that collection of items. 

What can I put in my box or bag?

Anything you find soothing, comforting or relaxing.
Make sure to include one item for each of the 5 senses. Some ideas for your bag or box are listed below. 

  • Touch.
  • Blanket
  • Pillow
  • Play dough 
  • Pom poms 
  • Worry Stone 
  • Lotion to massage your hands with 
  • Feathers or soft materials 
  • Nail file or nail varnish
  • Fidget toys- fidget pens, cubes, spinners, wooden blocks on a piece of string. Squishy mesh balls.
  • Magnets.
  • A plushie to squeeze or hug. 

Sound.

  • Create a soothing playlist on your phone.
  • Listen to rain or the ocean waves on YouTube videos.
  • Miniature bells. 
  • Crunching of paper.
  • Tap a surface.
  • Click a pen. 
  • Bubble wrap.
  • Listen to the sounds of a fidget cube each side sounds different when used, the cog side makes the most noise. 
  • Get a friend or loved one to leave you a voice recording to listen to when don’t feel good.

Taste

  • Two-three small candies. (Hard candies last longest)
  • Mints. 
  • Gum. 
  • Tea. 
  • Cold water.
  • Some form of fruit juice. 
  • Something spicy but not too spicy.
  • Hot chocolate.
  • Detox water. (Water with cut up fruit in it)
  • Lemonade.
  • An ice cube made from your favourite drink. 

Smell.

  • Scented lotion or spray. 
  • A blanket with the smell of washing powder.
  • Candles.
  • Air fresheners.
  • A pot with cinnamon or lavender. (You could make different ones for different seasons)
  • Incense sticks.

Vision/other.

  • Photos of loved ones 
  • Face mask or pamper items
  • Photos of holidays you enjoyed/ good memories 
  • Small print of a piece of art you like
  • Pieces of card with quotes 
  • Pieces of cards that your loved ones or friends wrote could be things they love about you or want you to remember. Could even be a funny memory you shared.
  • Glitter jar.
  • Lava lamp. 
  • Funny pictures.
  • Art supplies with paper.
  • Notepad. Scribble down your thoughts or just scribble something random if you can’t explain in words.
  • Cards with breathing exercises written on them for you to follow.

(For example the 54321 method.)

Consider or do the following.

5 Things you can see
4 Things you can touch (and touch them if you can)
3 Things you can hear
2 Things you can smell or like the smell of
1 Thing you can taste or like the taste of

(Breathe slowly throughout this.)

If you’d like something that’s portable try a spinner ring.

Written by _LilacRose14_#6995 (Lily)

Self Image & Self Esteem

What is the difference between self esteem and self image?

Self esteem is confidence in one's own worth or abilities in other words how much respect you have for yourself, how kindly you treat yourself. (Having a good self esteem is almost like treating yourself as you would a good friend).

Self image is the way you see your abilities, looks and personality it’s based upon whether you like yourself or not, the way you view yourself whether that be positively or negatively.

How can I fight off negative thoughts or feelings about myself?

Take it in steps to slowly create more positive thoughts from originally negative thoughts.

For example if I think to myself “I’m never going to a job that interview went horribly”.

Now let’s take that and see how we can turn it to a neutral, not positive nor negative thought. “That interview for that job didn’t do to plan however it could have gone worse” 

From here you can then start to move onto a bit more positive ideas from these negative thoughts. “I didn’t do well in this job interview but I know I can do better next time, I’m hardworking and smart, I am loved”

How to be kinder to yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes. This is always important to remember however sometimes low self esteem and a negative self image can block us from seeing this. 

A simple way to try to tackle negative thoughts about oneself is to think if a friend did or felt what you did and is doing what you are doing would you treat them the same, as you are treating yourself now? 

For example if I was thinking “I ruined my brother’s birthday because I forgot about it” I would take a step back take a slow deep breathe and think about the following. 

  • If a friend of mine forgot about her brother’s birthday is she really to blame?
  • If so how can she make up for this?
  • How could she try to set things right?
  • Does she deserve some self love and care right now? 
  • Was her intentions bad or good? 

If they were good she did not do wrong we all make mistakes.

Now go back to yourself and do what you would do to a friend in this situation to yourself.
If you think that friend needs some pamper or  video game time, try to give yourself that.

Post it notes around a mirror or on a pair of scales.

To create a positive surrounding for your self image or self confidence, write down some things you don’t mind about yourself or that a friend or family member likes about you.

A good one is eyes, every pair of eyes is unique along with each cell in your body. That’s always something to admire as it’s one of a kind. 

If you don’t love your body right away that’s okay. We grow and change constantly throughout our lives. Others do in fact see us as different people compared to how we see ourselves. (This is shown from a experiment with ordinary people in the link below)

How can I be more confident in myself?

During presentations for example. Body language is rather important. If you slouch a lot your going to feel uncomfortable and therefore not seem as easy to approach by others. Try to lean your shoulders back you don’t have to make eye contact to begin with. If you speak louder it makes you come across as more confident and within time your confidence can build as those around you observe you as being confident and someone they can confide and spent time with.

It takes time and steps to feel confident with yourself. Know that it’s okay to take your time. Focus on one part at a time. It’s okay to take your time and be proud of the fact your taking the time to figure out what you love and what you don’t love so much but are learning to love. Nobody is perfect.

Self love/Care.

Treating yourself at least once a week is very important when it comes to a low self esteem and negative self image. 

Self love/care can come in many forms, big and small. 

Small ways to treat/care for oneself. 

  • Take a long bath.
  • Paint your nails.
  • Paint/draw.
  • Sing. 
  • Get a hug.
  • Take a walk to the park.
  • Visit an animal shelter.
  • Get some new outfits.
  • Watch some tv or head out for a walk. 
  • Have a tasty snack. 
  • Tell someone you trust something your proud of.
  • Buy yourself something you have always wanted.
  • Big ways to treat/care for oneself.
  • Take a vacation.
  • Head to the cinema.
  • Take a cooking class or art class. 
  • Have a mini spa day. 
  • Go out for dinner. 
  • Give yourself a makeover. 
  • Have someone rub your feet. 
  • Write an achievement list to come back to later.

Written by _LilacRose14_#6995 (Lily)