I wish I could give you a hug right now and tell you everything will be ok. I can’t give you a hug but I can tell you that everything will be ok.
There should be someone to give you a hug right now. There should be someone to give you the care that you deserve. Did you hear what I said right there? ‘That you deserve’. Yes, you do deserve care. Despite how you are being treated, despite what you have experienced, and despite what you the world has told you by it's actions, you are so worth caring for.
I know that you are feeling suicidal right now. No one else in the world knows it. But guess what? This is the future you writing this letter. You will survive this and by the time you are older you will be glad that you did.
I know how much you have going on right now. I know how scared you are right now. I wish I could tell you it will get easier. It will. But not right away, you will get there though in time. I wish you could see how strong and amazing you are.
For having the faith to stay here, right now. For having the strength to keep going even when everything feels like it’s falling down under your feet. You keep trying no matter how many times you fall down. I’m here to catch you now best I can. We all are. For having the courage to decide to live despite the struggles you are enduring. Wow..that is true courage.
I wish I could take away all the bad things that have happened to you. I wish I could take away all the pain that you are in right now. I wish I could change the hell that you are in right now. I can’t. All I can tell you is to hang in there, to keep yourself safe and that one day you will be so glad that you did.
I know you think that you want to die right now. But you know what? You don’t. You want to escape the pain that you are in. You want to be free from that. And you can see no other way.
I think that the thought of suicide helps, though, doesn’t it? When there is more bad stuff happening, just the thought that ‘it’s ok, I won’t have to endure this much longer’, that alone helps, doesn’t it?
I think of the emotional pain that I experience every day now, and how much emotional pain I have experienced over the past couple of years, and then I think that it probably doesn’t even compare to how much emotional pain you are in right now. It hurts so much, I know. But I don’t even know if you realise how much pain you are in. Perhaps because it’s normal, perhaps because it’s probably never been any other way.
I wish I could tell you to tell someone how horrible things are at home right now. How badly you are being treated. But I don’t know who you should tell or even what they can do. But all I can tell you is that it won’t always be this way. You will break free from that situation and it will get better .
I hope that I don’t just sound full of empty promises, that what I am writing to you means something. I hope that the fact that I am still here writing this when you are older says something in itself.
I wish I could tell you how amazing you are. But to do that I’d feel like I was telling myself that I'm amazing, and something always stops me believing that. But I know you are. You don’t feel it, right? You think everyone hates you. You can’t stand living every day. But you are amazing for living with this because I know much it takes out of you every day having to go to school, to live each day, pretending everything is fine, keeping up pretenses and not showing what things are really like for you.
I don’t know what else to say. The need to take you and give you a hug is so strong. I hate what they have put you through and it’s just not fair.
Another bit of advice I should give you is to let people in. Don’t keep shutting yourself away. Stop being like a robot. I’m saying to let people in, but I don’t even know who you should let in. By the time you are older you will be very free and open about talking about stuff – mostly in the hope that it might help others somehow. But you will spend many years shutting yourself off from everyone emotionally, bottling everything up. It just makes everything worse. It just makes everything so much more difficult to deal with. Please let someone in if you can.
I don’t know what else to say. There are endless things that I could say. But I don’t want to tell you all about the life ahead of you. You need to live your life without hearing it all first. But I hope that this letter may have been a little help to you.
Please keep yourself safe and just keep hanging in there. And hang on to the thought that one day you will be so, so glad that you did hang in there.
All my love and hugs always,
Future you xx
Written by _LilacRose14_#6995 (Lily)